Out on the big savanna,
Inside a little cave,
There lived Vernon the lion, who just wasn’t very brave.
Giraffes quite often scared him,
Baboons and peacocks too.
He couldn’t face an antelope, a warthog, or a gnu.
Vern never hunted zebras,
And never tried to feast,
On a gazelle or ostrich, or tasty wildebeest.
He said, “Those rabbits run too fast,”
“And birdies, when they hatch,
“Quite often will peck my snout and give a painful scratch.”
And if he heard a rhino,
Then here and there he ran.
So Vern the scaredy cat became a vegetarian.
But lions have no flat teeth,
And so cannot chew grass.
And eating roots and berries just gave Vern a lot of gas.
Vern got so thin and tired,
That he could barely crawl,
Until one day he chanced to find a brand new animal.
This animal…it had no claws,
It had no long horns too.
It didn’t have much fur, so it was quite easy to chew.
It really ran quite slowly,
And didn’t have sharp teeth.
Soft and smooth on the outside. So tasty underneath!
In fact Vern would just sit there,
While they came dumb and happy,
Holding something ‘round their necks that flashed and then went “snappy.”
And then to get them closer,
Vern found another trick.
He’d pretend to eat spinach while his chops he’d slowly lick.
And then those silly creatures,
A hard lesson would learn.
Provided by the not-quite veggie eating jaws of Vern.
If you should see our Vernon,
Just picking at a salad,
I hope that you do not forget the sad words of this ballad.
Just ‘cause he’s got some lettuce,
Don’t think that he’s still tryin’,
To be a vegetarian. Because he’s not– he’s lion.
Barracudas, Buffaloes, and Balderdash: 